Oh I'm having a good night today.

Just the other day, April and I met up for lunch. I had passed him my thumb drive for him to transfer photos and videos he had taken during our school days into it. So when we met up this time, he returned me the thumb drive.

And looking at all the photos made me feel happy indeed. I look terrible in most of them but it didn't really matter. The folders of pictures are like a concentrated compilation of the funny and interesting things the class did.

Uh-oh...That familiar happy feeling is fading away. That's quick.

All right. Shall go try sleeping now. Dunno how long I'll take to fall asleep though. Last night I gave up trying to sleep and just went to watch cable TV till 9am. That was when I finally could fall asleep.

Hopefully I'll fall asleep quick later. But if I don't, at least there's still TV (thank god for cable...)

And I think I'll take a break from blogging long or too personal entries till I start feeling better more permanently.

Man..So many weird dreams these days. No thanks to going to bed at 3am and falling asleep at 5am.

This one is the most realistic one within these few days, and the most depressing too.

I dreamt that I went out with Al again. This time it's just a friendly meet-up.

Can't even remember what we were doing..I just remember one part where we were watching a movie or something. And he was being nice and all. So what came into my mind was, "Idiot. He's probably trying to see if he can get me to fall for him again. He always proudly announces that he can get any girl he wants. I'm going to prove to him that he's not as charming as he thinks he is."

(I don't get it. How can anyone be so full of themselves? I'm not talking about self-esteem or self-confidence. Talking about narcissism/ego. If you're some CLEO bachelor then I guess people wouldn't be too surprised...But if you're not and you don't feel embarrassed even telling your friends you intend to play with a particular girl, that borders on being..strange.)

So anyway, I was very curt and uninterested in my replies. I felt his I'm-so-good aura diminish a bit. I was sitting on his left and BOML was actually sitting on his right..haha. Both of them talked and I think BOML asked if he liked me and he scribbled some stuff on a piece of paper. He seemed kinda sad.

...He likes me again now? Maybe my looks don't matter to him anymore...Well, that's sweet.

That was what I thought and I was pleased that maayyybe, we would hitch up again or something. But there was also the part of me that knows that even if he decided to want me again, it wouldn't be a good idea for me to go with it.

I continued to act nonchalant but I wasn't as harsh anymore...And for the remaining time it did feel like things between us were good.

After the movie (or whatever it was), we left the hall. He looked at me before we parted our ways to go home. And I can't remember what he said exactly but it was along the lines of "No, we're not getting back together. I can't do it."

I was shocked. What the fuck is wrong with me this time round? And all of a sudden all that feelings of inadequacy I had experienced recently in real life came back.

"Why," I asked.

And just as he was going to give me an answer......

KNN!!

The house phone rang and woke me up.

But oh well...Not knowing the answer could be better especially since my views, mood, emotions tend to be affected by my dreams.

(If I dream about you being a bitch in my dream, after I wake up, I actually slightly believe you did those things and end up disliking you a little in real life. ... I can't help it! But if you unknowingly prove to me that you're not like that through my interactions with you, then the dream's impact will start to fade lah.

Think of such dreams of mine like an evil friend who sows discord between the two of us. By the time he tells me all this stuff about you to me, it's hard for me to not doubt slightly and examine you closer while you remain clueless. But if you live up to your expectations, then this evil friend, aka dream, will lose his credibility!)

I went back to sleep in hope that the dream will continue but it didn't. Well, not correctly anyway. Err..in the sense that this second dream was still about Al, but it didn't continue from exactly where the first one ended.

And Al's face was that of another guy who used to like me when we were kids...!

Haha. Can't remember the dream in detail..Just know we were in a bus and we didn't speak to each other. And we didn't turn up to meet each other even though we were supposed to...Or something lah. Can't remember the events in this one at all. I just know I was feeling really upset.

I need more happy dreams!

But wah lao, it's like everything that passes through my brain becomes negative now. In the more recent past, it was the opposite. It's not that I didn't know the bad side of stuff existed, it's just that I didn't let them get me. But now I've reached the point where "good" stuff can make me unhappy.

I cannot see/hear a marriage without thinking when the couple is going to get divorced.

I cannot see someone looking at me without imagining all the nasty stuff that person is thinking about me.

I cannot try on clothes while shopping without criticising myself about every single thing such that I go home empty-handed after 5 hours of walking.

And bad stuff don't make me angry. They just make me sad.

I don't even feel angry (like a customer should) when I receive poor service. I keep a smile on my face to sales assistants and they can't even be bothered to twitch a smile out. And they make me feel so bad for them and myself that I apologise to them for their time. At least give me an insincere "It's okay", right?

...

Oh well.

A happier entry soon...I hope.

Again...I was in some strange building that's supposedly a school. I was walking down the corridor and I met a secondary school senior whom I've not met in a long time. (Mentioned her in a couple of entries...cos I used to like her and used to like her current bf..haha)

Anyway, I hello-ed her and scurried past cos I was feeling self-conscious. But she turned around and called me.

Her: How are you?

Me: I'm..okay.

Her: How's your handbag?

Me: My handbag? ..It's okay.

She left. And I went to the washroom. Dunno how many cubicles there were, but only 3 have any significance in this dream.

I wanted to enter #1, but for some reason I decided not to and entered #2 instead. When I closed the door, I saw my handbag hanging on the hook that's on the back of the door. I thought to myself,

"Crap. I didn't even realise I had misplaced my bag.

Wonder if my senior knew about it and was testing if I'd be honest...Maybe now she thinks I was deliberately lying about my bag being 'okay'.

Hmm..Thankfully I decided to come into this cubicle instead of #1, anyhow. If not I would have lost this bag..."

I needed to pee. Sat on the toilet bowl.

...

Why no pee?

This is taking really long. I need to pee. Why is nothing coming out?

Are there people waiting for me? Ok, now I'm nervous and I can't pee.

Someone entered #3...It's my squadmate. She's shitting.

How I know she's shitting is just..based on inference of sounds lah. Not farting. But you know...there wasn't that liquid-jet-against-toilet-bowl's-own-mini-lake noise. Or at least a delayed reaction after a dump is taken. 

(...I wish there was a less crude way of narrating my dream. But we're talking about toilets and wastes...it's hard.)

So anyway, after hearing multiple...dump-against-toilet-bowl's-own-mini-lake, I got even more nervous/paranoid.

Walao. Even someone who's taking a dump is going to be done soon and my pee is still not coming out!!

Someone entered #1. I thought it was that senior but I think I soon figured out it's not someone I know. She was going to take a shower...I could see a little of her reflection on the floor. (This part must be from my annoyance at idiotic washroom designers who decide to use reflective floor surfaces. I vaguely remember I had a dream with this part as well.)

She came nearer to the partition between our cubicles, and I could see even more. And that only meant that if she looked down, she'll be able to see MY reflection. I didn't want that. And err..no, I wasn't turned on by the sight of her curvy body... I just felt really freaked out. Like the..omg-there's-a-ghost freaked out. It felt like she was doing it on purpose (whatever "it" is..I don't even know myself)...She seemed to have this ulterior motive and she was challenging me.

Not sure if I imagined the following cos I was afraid or it really happened in my dream, but I saw her face looking at me through the reflection. She looked like she was in her late 20s and had brown neck-length hair...and there was this sinister glint in her eyes.

Can't remember if I finally did pee or not...But I was really afraid cos by then I was already convinced she's a ghost...I hurriedly took my bag and wanted to leave.

When I opened the door, I saw someone standing in front and the first thought that flashed through was, "Oh god, she's here to get me." But when I looked up, it wasn't her.

Or that's what I thought for a moment, before that very brief sense of comfort was replaced by a greater fear that it is her after all...

There stood this 40-ish woman with a skinny and worn-out face and dry grey-black hair. She had a murderous look on her face, and she was holding up the skin of the curvy woman's body neck-down.

If you guys still remember..There's this GP tutor whom I had a very minor crush on. And the crush came about thanks to an out-of-place dream that involved nothing seriously dirty. But it didn't include the usual scorn I usually had for him. After that dream, I still continued to tease him in school but by then I didn't mean the remarks. Hur hur...Like I'd still mention how lousy he was but deep down I didn't believe it anymore..haha. And I even defended him on a few occasions.

I dunno why. It's like in real life I don't know him very well and he just seems very typical and stuff. But in my dreams he always seems so much more. Or that I am so much..less.

The dream involved me having to take a class of students. Like primary school kids. The classroom itself feels like it's from my primary school.

So my GP tutor was at the table with a queue of students going up to him to have him mark stuff. I was standing in front of the remaining students who were sitting all over the place. I had to organise them so that they can all fit into the camera frame for a class photo.

For some reason, I just couldn't get it right.

Finally, I managed to get them all clustered together and they looked like they would all fit into the photo as shown on the LCD screen of the cam. But when I pressed the shutter, the image on the LCD screen was rotated 90 degrees. I still couldn't get it right.

By then the students didn't seem too pleased that I was getting them involved in something (a class photo) that they couldn't be bothered about. I felt disliked, uncomfortable, silly.

After the class, the kids all went out of the room and I tried to make things up by joking around and it looked like it worked out. They didn't look like they hated me or felt I was useless or anything. I could feel a very false sense of reassurance.

I turned to look at my GP tutor and I just felt a sense of melancholy, regret and slight admiration.

Then my GP tutor and I walked to this other empty classroom/lab that just looked like it's been abandoned for a long time.

No idea where this whole dream came from. Like whether the events, people involved, emotions just came from random parts in my life to form a collage like that. Or whether the events, people, emotions happening together in the dream are more than mere coincidences that reflect something...Something I don't really know when I'm in my conscious state.

I'm selling my Ti-84 Plus Graphic Calculator for S$100. Perfect working condition.

I don't think I will need to use it ever again... Hm. Let me know if you want to buy it. Or if your friend wants to buy it. Or if your friend's friend wants to buy it.

It comes with the book (which I've never bothered to use), a CD (which I've also never bothered to use), and a USB cable (which...yes, I only used the GC itself and nothing else).

If you're graduating from secondary shool this year and intend to go JC, you'll surely need to get one regardless of what course you take. Cos everyone has to take Maths mah. The GC is not optional, unfortunately.

A brand new one will prob cost you S$140+? I think that's how much all of us paid. Not very worth it especially since most of us let it go after 2 years. Anyway, Ti-84 Plus is what most students are using. I only know of one girl in my class who used the older model Ti-83 or something..And she had to download patches online? Dunno..some stuff like that lah.

You're probably peeking at what I typed in for some A level paper..

Yep. Please email me (desperate.addict at gmail dot com) if you're interested... Or if a friend is interested... Or if a friend's friend is interested...

I'm typing really weirdly now. My elbows are 10 inches off the table top cos I have things all laid out in front of the laptop.

I'm at the stage where things get really really messy and looking at the half-organised things gives me a headache. I have so many clusters of stuff that exist because I'm trying to sort them out...Stuff to give away, stuff to throw away, stuff that I ought to keep but dunno where to keep, stuff that I ought to throw away but don't want to throw away, stuff I totally don't know what to do with.

It is 5:50am now. Took too many long breaks in between and also cos I didn't go full-gear.

I was thinking of not sleeping for the night but at this point I already think that's not going to happen. Argh. Now I don't know what to do. Should I continue to pack until the table looks clearer? When should I sleep?

Oh dear..And right now I'm just working on things found on my desk. I've yet to start on 4 shelves worth of files, books, papers, random crap and 2 full drawers worth of even more random stuff.

All these bloody random things..They all have a category on their own and it's hard to pile them with other stuff.

...

I shall procrastinate by taking a shower.

I'm packing my room..We all know you find funny/interesting stuff when you pack your room. So this is just part 1..I'm sure there's more to come as I continue to pack.

I found this phone my uncle lent me to use while I was overseas. I have yet to return him but I'm intending to do so soon... So I'm looking through the messages and I end up having a few laughs.

This is a message I received while waiting at the departure hall. It's from one of the students whom I taught English to:

Are you bessy? I m your studen t. *name*. i would you like to say very very thank you for teach me. I could not give anything to you. sometime coll and massage to me ok.

HAHAHAHA. They frustrate me to no-end but they are so damn cute.

I recall I was annoyed half the time because they just couldn't remember anything I taught. And if I gave them tests to make them memorise stuff, they'd get stressed and scared and stop attending lessons. Hahaha..Also, they're all older than me! I felt bloody guilty for being pissed especially at those above 40 because they're really nice and certainly wiser than me...

There wasn't any translator so it just made the job more difficult. And I think because most of them never really attended school, they don't have any idea on how to take notes. Every time I looked through their notebooks, I'd be horrified at what I see.

But..haha. They were really sweet and would always ask me if I want tea..or fruits..or biscuits...

WE WONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SIIIIINNNNGGGAPPPPPOOOOOORRREEEEE!!!

YYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Total waste I didn't enjoy the last few moments cos I was busy texting my bro to update him with what was going on.

BUT STILL!!!! WWWHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Singapore has finally secured a medal in the Olympics after 48 years!! Yay to our table tennis team!!

Absolutely crazy and intense matches! The Koreans are just so good.

I don't think I'll dare to watch the China matches though. Crazy Chinese...I mean, did you watch them in the weight-lifting categories?!?! Pwn.

	Posted by Unclesu @ 08/12/2008 10:13 PM PDT
	No really I get where you're coming from. It's been what, 3-4 years since I left Singapore and every time I'm back for a visit, I swear the number of people I get to spend time with keeps decreasing... It's just sad, but hey at least this is kinda like a rare chance at seeing the ones who're sticking around...right DA?

http://0811.blogdrive.com/archive/1110.html

In my reply, I told him that I don't have many friends to begin with. The number of friends I have in Singapore whom I talk to and care about (and possibly care about me to a good-enough-for-me extent) is a single digit. I don't talk to them all that often..The frequency of conversations differ for each friend but I still think about them often enough.

BF, Banana, OLLie, April, M, Ignorant Friend...

If someone wrote this entry and listed 6 names, I'd be, "Wth. 6 friends very good already lor."

True true. But I reckon that M and IF have high likelihood of being the first to fade away. Not sure about the rest at this point, but things change all the time and with everyone being physically separated, it's even harder to keep in contact. And I wouldn't really dare to meet after long periods of not seeing someone if I've changed physically. Like if I grew fat, I'd be really apprehensive to meet any of them...except BF maybe (but if he decides I'm too gross..then...once again, I'd be speechless)

I don't talk to M much at all. But I think about him and wishes that he is fine. Every now and then, after not talking for long enough, he messages me or talks to me over MSN. That helps keep the...we-don't-really-know-each-other-but-we-can-still-talk-cock friendship going. Especially since his random conversations encourage me to do the same without feeling my usual paranoid thought of:

"Eh..Maybe he'd find me a nuisance cos I'm kinda outta his life already."

Ignorant Friend...has almost completely faded away. She's not fading from my life. It's me rather, who's fading from hers. She doesn't seem to care about me anymore. And I think about how I wish she would contact me or ask me out. I take the initiative too often: chatting her up and asking if she wants to go out. (I know this sounds too much like a lesbian talk, but sorry to disappoint you guys who have lesbian fetish for this is just my mushy way of explaining friendship. :P) It feels like a BOML-and-addict situation. Slightly different of course -- but you get the drift.

IF and I had been really close friends in Secondary school. She was like Pinky...One thing, she's tall..haha. But more importantly, she's the gong gong one whom people are not intimidated by. Back then, she didn't speak her problems to others much. I was her confidant. Her witty friend and just someone she could trust.

I was like Brain. Short, domineering, smart, proud. Pretty much disliked by people.

In upper sec, things kinda changed though. We got streamed into our different classes. IF and I both got more sociable. But IF retained more friends out of her sec school days, unlike me. Well, she's my only friend kept from secondary school days. IF didn't go to a good JC while I did. Hers is one of the worst while mine is one of the best, academically-wise. IF did her Arts, I did my Science.

All along I had been the "smarter" one out of both of us. But hey, what's a story without a reverse of roles right? :)

In JC, I slacked a lot. It wasn't so much of being complacent..It's more of not caring. I felt contented with what I had most of the time and I didn't want to go back to how I was in secondary school. While I still felt upset with bad results every now and then, I was much more relaxed about school work compared to the past. And I was afraid my pursuit for results would affect my mental health. I didn't want to take the risk.

IF on the other hand..She'd never really had stress issues. Even in JC, she's was just as happy-go-lucky. But she had potential and being in the lower-ranked schools just made victory much easier for a smart girl like her (she has really hidden talents that I think my sec sch or the Singaporean society in general fails to appreciate). I don't know if it's the boost of confidence or it's because she's finally doing what she's good at. Maybe she's a late-bloomer. Hm..She still procrastinated and slacked a lot from what she said. Well, honestly, I don't know. We stopped talking much ever since we left secondary school. She could have changed in ways I never got to see.

From what I heard from her, she seemed to always top in her class or sometimes even in the level for Arts. I congratulate her and she's like,

"Haiya. School so lousy, top also nothing very fantastic."

Maybe, it's this thought that keeps her striving even more because she had to beat only herself and not other people. Hmm..I could keep guessing, but I will never know.

Anyhow, she did better than me and scored fantastic grades of 3 As and 2 Bs!

I look at her nick and they include funny one-liners from friends. I'm no more her witty friend who makes her laugh. 10 other people have replaced my role. I'm no more that intelligent friend whom she admires. She has more than enough confidence and confirmation from others to be admiring me.

I look at photos of her with friends I never knew about. On trips she had never mentioned to me. Malaysia, Thailand, clubbing, pubbing. I'm no more her confidant -- I don't even know what's going on in her life.

So much had changed that both of us don't fit into the Pinky and the Brain characters anymore. You can see. Because Pinky over here doesn't give Brain much of a damn anymore to be still considered as Pinky. On the other hand, Brain actually misses Pinky and feels too inferior and insignificant to be still considered as Brain.

It's not pride that is stopping me from talking to her or asking her out again. (It would be the case for Brain...but I'm unfortunately not him anymore.) It's knowing that I have stopped making a difference in her life and that any conversation or meet-up would be superfluous to her.

---

This entry sounds like I'm talkng about a girlfriend I have a romantic relationship with. It doesn't convey everything I feel due to the fact that I had to restrict my words thanks to the misleading nature of it. I could go more detailed if I want to, but it'll just disgust the crap out of you guys..haha. Or even if it doesn't, it'll earn me a whysoemo? eyebrow raise.

Ugh. Why do I bother defending myself? It's normal to be nostalgic about a friend you've lost! Or is about to lose...and is not going to come back... :(

Ok, 2 hours worth of stuff no-one really enjoyrs reading. Time to sleep...Gah. I just screwed my plans of waking up earlier, too. It's almost 4am dammit.

BOML is asking me out. Noooo!

It's very nice when other people ask me out. But when she does, my brains start to scream.

Once again, I must state that I believe she is good-hearted and hence I do not dislike her...I just hate the things she says sometimes, the way she makes me feel most of the time, and how she indirectly causes unfortunate events that happen to me. (For the record, I got to know Al through her..haha.)

Haiya, ok lah. I should just stop avoiding her and just meet up with her once and for all. It's not like she deliberately makes me feel crappy... But urgh...I hate feeling crappy.

---

Oh..She is not free this week. So once again, there's no set date to meet up.

I kinda wonder how she manages to find the energy to recount her life to every single one of her friends though... It's quite amazing to repeat the same (and very long) story. Every time she talks to me, she'll be, "I have so much to update you on." And she really does update me thoroughly when we meet up. The stupid thing is I can't help but empathise with her (or people in general) and I will try to say stuff to make her feel better and hope that I can change her damned life. But nothing I say makes her feel better. Coupled with shits that I go through myself, by the end of the day, I feel like life is meaningless and I am the most useless person around.

I'm glad I'm off the hook for this week.