Not horrible either...But could be better.

- work is getting me down

- I still dream of Tods and miss him. I don't know if "miss" is the right word. It's sort of an aching and hurt feeling. I will never get back with him because that sort of pain is not one I will forget and I can never trust him again. Plus well, I think he's busy dating other girls anyway. The trend seems to be Asian girls these days. And he's deleted our shared album of photos. So yea, I don't think missing him is what I feel. There is anger and indignity. And probably disappointment that I'm not in that relationship which I felt was rather perfect.

- Ok, that point was mainly about him specifically. Separate bullet point for similar topic, but just my current situation (linked to him, of course, but should not be seen as for him. Subtle difference to the untrained reader, I know): I honestly don't know how I will get into a relationship again. I just don't seem to like people that much in that way anymore. And I don't know how I will find a guy who will love me for who I am. I mean, there are just some shitty points about me that would take a really...strange? guy to love them. I'm not that disappointed I'm not in a relationship. I'm disappointed that I am feeling crap (because of first point) and I don't even feel like I want someone in my life to make it more enjoyable. This was the case in the past but not anymore. Maybe I just haven't met the right person? Well, I highly doubt so because it's not as if that got me down previously. I liked people so easily to the point I didn't even realise that maybe they are not compatible etc. No-one was incompatible with me, put it that way. I was just that awesome. No, obviously I didn';t think that about myself. I never did and never will. I was just so open to falling in love and actually had the ability to do so.

- I feel a bit bad that work only got one line :P It dominates my life at the moment though. And my stress. There is not one hour that goes by without me thinking about it at least once. And some hours I don't even stop thinking about it the whole time. Just the recent Monday, I had a mini break down in labs. Thank god it was during a coffee break with some people, so it was fine. Actually, I'm being very misleading here. You guys would probably think it's the work itself that is getting me down. No, it's actually the people and the lab environment. And partially the work of course. But mainly the people and therefore it was weird to tell them how I felt about it. Ok, not THAT weird, since everyone knows the lab envt is rather crappy, just that they are used to dealing with it or they have a few people they hang around with to distract them from the shittiness.

- In terms of the work itself. Well, it's science. It doesn't work half the time. Ok, no, science works. But scientific research doesn't work half the time. Probably more. If I were to elaborate, it'd probably too technical and boring. And messy. I dunno, I guess if you guys are into that sort of thing, I could elaborate.

- Ugh...I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I guess I could do with some pancakes right now, but the thought of having them alone is depressing. Maybe I *am* bothered I am single after all. Slightly at least. Because if I think about the nitty gritty details of what a relationship involves and all the fear and insecurities that emerge out of one, I don't become that bothered.

- Oh hey, my long-distance-not-really-working-out-that-well-because-we-haven't-even-met-because-we're-shitass-busy-plus-far-away-enough-to-think-that-a-long-distance-is-possibly-not-worth-it relationship guy just signed in on Skype. (Refer to Christmas post if confused.) Was just about to ask around to see if any friends from college wanted to get some pancakes (not quite the same as having it with a boyfriend on a weekend morning, but beggars can't be choosers). Guess I'm just gonna stay online then. We're not working out that well also because we're rather incompatible. The way we think is just sometimes worlds apart. I miss the times when I was young and it was easy to be the same. And as we get older we just keep specialising in different things and become such different people. (Can't help but think of stem cells and differentiation.) And other people end up annoying you because they are so understandably disagreeable.

So there's this guy from my college who really likes me (the physics genius I mentioned in my previous entry). So since I've been crap at blogging, I thought I'd compensate by giving full details of what happened.

We were good enough friends before a college party we both went to one night. By good enough friends, I meant we happened to meet each other every week on a Sunday because the college gives out free cake on Sundays (there are many other people there as well). Usually a group of us would go to the college dining hall for lunch first, and then make a move to the common room where there is free cake for everyone. There's a pool table there and so this guy and I developed a tradition of playing pool every week after the free cake session. The pool game is the ONLY one-to-one thing that we would do. Even the lunch and cake is in a group context and both of us just happen to be there (at least it is for me). That was about as far as our friendship goes. He doesn't have my number, I don't have his. I've never asked him out or anything or hung out with him otherwise. There was a spark between us, I felt. But I wasn't really overly-interested in him.

There was a college party one night, during which I got really drunk because I had free drinks for helping out. I was with a group of friends, but somehow (I really don't know how -- like I said, I was really drunk), this guy and I danced together and he kissed me. The first time he did that, I didn't stop him at all, was totally into it and even gave him a hug. The second time he tried again, my senses kicked in and I quickly pushed him away. I got worried and realised there will be consequences for what I just did (accept his move) and therefore I asked him about his intentions. It was a bad idea to not have pushed him away from the start, but well, I know some people say it's a poor excuse but the fact that I was drunk was really the reason why I was rubbish at having self control. Plus, I'm single and so alarm bells don't start ringing straightaway telling me: STOP THIS YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR BF. Back to the intentions bit, I asked him what they were and he was kinda dumb-founded and couldn't explain himself. I got really annoyed at the whole thing/myself, cried because I do hate myself (but he thought it's because of him), and my friend thankfully decided to take me home. Apparently, he thought I asked him about his intentions and was suspicious because I was scared he wanted just a one-night stand. No, I asked him because I was scared he wanted me to be his girlfriend. It was good I left, because I was in no way to talk to him soberly about how I didn't want to be attached. He sent this message to explain himself:

Hi -,

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings tonight. The fact of the matter is that I'm generally not the best at articulating my emotions, and that's why I couldn't answer your question about my intentions properly: because (a) I found the answer too awkward and (b) I thought it was obvious.

Now please read carefully because I'm only going to write (say) this once... The answer is that I am deeply in love with you and I want you to be a part of my life. I want to make you happy and I want you to make me happy. This is what I wanted to express every single time I kissed you and I (perhaps wrongly) assumed that you understand it. But anyway, if you are ever unsure about what I want, just read this message.

I hope you sleep well tonight (without any nightmares about being arrested for cycling) and I'll see you on our traditional pool match in the afternoon!

From me the following morning, a Sunday. Usually free cake/pool match takes place then, but I missed it:

Hi -,

Sorry I didn't turn up for pool. I'm feeling rubbish today, quite expectedly.

And sorry about last night. I do not understand why anybody would be interested in me, which is why I asked what your intentions were. I am still confused why you would be, especially since we barely know each other. It's probably better if we just stay as friends...

This was my attempt at rejection.

His reply?

I am honest with you. Why are you not honest with me?

I know it's a bit awkward to talk about these things on Facebook so why don't we make up for today's game of pool tomorrow? Let's say 7pm...

Me:

Well, I really am feeling rotten today and have stayed indoors the whole day. Believe it or not.

Sure. I've got a meeting from 6pm and I don't quite know what time it ends. Maybe 7.30pm would be a safer time.

Him:

You know that's not what I meant. :)

Let's start pool at 8pm so that you don't have to hurry.

No, I didn't really know what he meant at that time. Because I thought he was saying I was being dishonest with my reason for absence for pool, but I guess not. I think he meant being dishonest about my feelings towards him. I only know now, because well, I definitely didn't think one could be so delusional as to think truly that I am besotted with him such that I have to lie to myself/him. Apparently one could be that delusional. But we'll see more of it later. Back to the story. So we met, and I told him I wasn't interested blah blah blah. Tried to be as nice as possible but I got quite agitated a few times because he kept trying to fucking kiss me again and I was definitely not having any of that seeing what mess the last one had me in, and I was sober, of course. He refused to have any of what I said. Which was plain annoying. And kept telling me how I felt and that I like him etc. One of the conversations we had:

Me: I'm just not interested in a relationship. Sorry.

Him: What are you interested in then?

Me: ......Well, other stuff? Err...science for example? My family?

Him: *rolls eyes and goes on about how he is too but that doesn't mean he doesn't want a relationships*

So you see, the whole night was like that. Him asking me what I want, me telling him, and him basically not accepting any of it. Later on, I decided to try a new tactic and explain to him why I was so adverse against relationships and told him why I do not trust men. How I have been cheated on and am not ready for a new relationship. How my parents' marriage is rubbish and I'm tired of dealing with relationships in general. And he basically didn't take any of that again, telling me it's not a good enough reason. Telling me my parents' failed marriage and my cheating ex weren't good enough reasons for me not wanting a relationship. Like wtf. Anyway he left. And that was good and I thought it was over. The following Sunday, he messaged me again:

You were missing out on pool today! I joined a game with - for a while, but it was not quite the same...

Anyway, what about getting some take-away food on Tuesday evening? I'd like to see you before I go back to -, and I'm not sure if I can make the drinks* on Thursday.

*just some drinks session a bunch of us decided to arrange before everyone left for home over Christmas.

My reply:

Hey, thanks for asking. Like I said previously and will not change my mind...I am not interested in having anything more than a friendship with anyone. If you're fine with seeing this as just a dinner between friends, then yea, I'm free Tuesday evening. You wouldn't mind me asking a few other people along too would you?

His awesome reply:

If you don't respect me, there is no point in talking to you.

What...the...fuck...

My reply:

How is asking to remain as friends not respecting you?

Hang on, so you're going to ignore me? Not talking to me because I want to draw a line and don't want to lead you on?

Do I have to go on a one-to-one dinner with you to show you respect?Do I have to say yes to being your girlfriend to show you respect?

If that's how you view respect, then I'm sorry I'll just have to be disrespectful, and I am completely fine with us not talking.

So we didn't talk after. Which I was fine with to be honest. Whatever little spark I had towards him before that party, it was definitely all gone and I wasn't even keen on remaining friends or seeing him. It's not like we even know each other that well! We just tend to meet on social events that a bunch of us from college would organise as an informal get-together (eg. drinks at someone's room or the college bar, cooking sessions at someone's kitchen, take-away dinners etc.) And I really don't feel like I'm missing anything by losing whatever I had between us even if we stopped talking (which was close to nothing, from my point of view, except the chance to get better at playing pool).

And I didn't see him since the new term started until just last Saturday, when there was another college party. I was rather surprised he didn't ignore me but came up and started a conversation with me, so I just complied and chatted a little. When he tried to dance closer, I kept my distance. I didn't have a drink at all that night and was cautious around him. Then yesterday I went to the college bar to meet up with a group of us from college as usual (one girl just broke up with her ex and wanted a night-out). I turned up just to give her a hug, and stayed for just 10 minutes because they were going to a club later and I wasn't interested. This guy happened to be there too, but because we were seated far from each other, no contact was needed.

And just when I thought a guy couldn't get any more delusional, he sent me the following messsage which just made me laugh.

Let me tell you my story. Soon after I arrived in -, I met this really cute Singaporean girl. She was by far the most amazing girl I've ever met, and she absolutely rocked my life. She was so kind and caring and feminine, and I really felt wonderful whenever she was around. She would listen to my every single word, she would wait for me until I finish my lunch, she would play pool with me every week, she would gently put her head on my shoulder, she would share her cake with me, she would cook and smile at me while I am enjoying her food. She would bring happiness into my entire life. There is no wonder I fell in love with her so quickly.

But then something terrible happened. She has changed. I no longer see this girl, but instead someone who is cold-hearted and manipulative. I know that she still has feelings for me. Still, she would intentionally bring me into situations where she could reject and ridicule me. And I don't know what I should do about it: I really want to see the girl I've fallen in love with, but I simply can't feel the same thing for the girl I see now. I can't do anything but leave when she turns up because I don't want to be rejected again for nothing. I could wait for the opportunity to take advantage and "score" with her, but that's not what I want. I want someone who loves, respects, and appreciates me, and that's not going to happen if I let her get away with her manipulation. I know that she is capable of kind emotions because I've seen that before, but I have no idea how I can find her real self again.

There is absolutely nothing I want more than seeing the girl I've fallen in love with. Still, that doesn't mean I'm going to be a slave to the "other one". I've opened my heart to her. I'm telling her my feelings honestly, but if I don't receive honesty in return, there is really nothing I can do. If she rejects me again, I know that my heart will break. But I will live with it, and find someone else who can respect and love me.

So that is my situation. Do you have any idea what I should do? If yes, please come to Sunday lunch at the usual time, and let me know about it.

Honestly, it is ridiculous. You know how sometimes people tell stories like this, and leave out some conversation/detail they've had whiich may be important to establishing why one person acts one way or another, such that without that important bit of information, it sounds like one party is being absoltuely insane? Well, I'm telling you this is NOT one of those situations. Basically I've copied word for word what each party has said (except names of people/places. And the only part I am unable to do so is for the "talk" we had after the party to sort things out between us. And during the whole of that time, I was just rejecting him again and again and trying to explain myself (which he didn't accept because apparently that's not how I feel/think). He is just crazy-ass delusional. Other than that conversation, we never had an personal talk before. So you really ARE getting the full story of the extent of what has been exchanged between us, and you should have an idea of how he is making things up without me even putting in any thought or well, input into the whole situation! All these events and feelings are happening without my knowledge yet apparently with MY intention. All the small talk we had during Sunday lunch/cake/pool sessions were just about stupid things which I hated talking about. Like Singapore's gum ban and capital punishment, and me desperately trying to defend Singapore. He was always going on and on and fucking on about it. And I'm pretty sure the friends around me could tell I get annoyed at the conversation and it would be by far the least flirty talk ever. I was getting crossed and insulted. I don't think I showed any hint of "aww...you are so cute and let's flirt with you a little more" over there.

So how else is he delusional? Well, let me tell you how: Put my head on his shoulder?!?! The only time I can imagine that happened was when I hugged him that night. Even then, just due to height differences, I have no idea how my head would be on his shoulder. It'll be in his chest. In any case, I am almost certain I didn't romantically sit beside him and aww, put my fucking head on his shoulder!!! I say "almost" certain, because even *I* am starting to doubt myself. I mean, surely no-one can just make things up like that, right?! In that case it must have happened :/ It's just confusing, this is. The waiting for him to finish lunch bit? Well, he is referring to lunch in the college dining hall, and we only meet each other there (together with a whole group of cake fanatics who would go for cake after) because we would all make a move to go for cake after the lunch. And I would wait for him to finish lunch, because he eats fucking slowly, and people start leaving the table once they are done (in case cake runs out) and since I'm the second last person to finish eating (him being the last), I wait for him and then we make a move to meet up the rest in the common room (there is usually more than enough cake to go around and hence no rush). And usually the unspoken rule is that you're fine to leave the group table as long as you're not going to leave the one/last person behind. Unless of course you're really in a rush. And the sharing cake bit? Sounds like we're sitting opposite each other, with a plate of cake in between us, each taking a little? NO. It's me asking him if he just wants half of each slice (there are usually 2 cakes of different flavours), him saying yes, me taking literally half a slice of each cake onto my plate and leaving the other half still there for him to help himself onto his own plate if he wanted to. And smile at him for eating what I cooked? You guys must be imagining I invited him over for a meal, cooked him a nice lovely romantic dinner, and looked at him lovingly into his eyes and smiled at him as he ate my food. NO. And this will be explained below in my message.

Let me show you my reply:

I am kind and caring to my friends, and I would wait for them to finish their lunch because I am aware that some people feel very uncomfortable to be seen eating on their own. I honestly don't remember putting my head on your shoulder, but never mind. This could have been when I was drunk (in that case, I don't remember), and somehow you make it sound like it's something I do every day with you. I listen to everybody's single word if they are talking to me. If you were referring to the green curry - and I cooked for all 8-10 people who were there, I smiled at people not because they are enjoying our food. I simply smile at people who are nice and sweet to me. I would share cake with anybody, simply because I do not want the full slice and want to try both flavours. I am glad you noticed my friendliness towards you, but I am afraid you do not notice that I treat all my friends this way.

I feel offended that you think I have "changed". I have changed not in the way of being the person I am. I still am kind and caring to my friends, I would still wait for them to finish their food (as long as I am not in the rush for time), I would listen to them, I would smile at them if we happen to make eye contact and I like them. I am pretty sure if you asked -, - , -, -, -, -(all friends' names) etc., they wouldn't once say that I have greeted them and said hi without smiling. The way I have changed, is my attitude towards you. How can I not? You are saying I am manipulating you, and intentionally bringing you into situations where I could reject and ridicule you? Seriously, it is absolutely annoying to be told I am doing things I have no intentions to do. How have I done what you have just mentioned? I have only seen you twice this term, both of the times I wasn't aware that you would be there and didn't plan anything in advance regarding you. I simply turned up because I was invited and wanted to have a good time with my friends. If I turn up for Sunday cake tomorrow, it's for the damned cake (note to you guys: I have not turned up once since that party because I've been actively avoiding him, and the cake flavours were getting boring). So how is this bringing you into situations to ridicule you? I am aware that I am not as warm towards you as I previously have been, but not to the point of being cold-hearted. I talked to you when you talked to me at the party last Saturday, even though the last time you did say you weren't going to talk to me ever again. The way I am less warm to you may show in the form of me keeping my distance from you and not approaching you. This is because you seem to misunderstand EVERY single thing I do and I think if I behaved the way I used to towards you (like how I do towards all my friends), you would be once again telling me that I like you more than as a friend. But I would still not go to the level of ignoring you and not responding if you come up to me and talk to me or ask me questions. This is because if you are just trying to be friendly to me, I will be friendly to you accordingly.

I am telling you my feelings honestly as well. But I wouldn't be surprised if you don't think I am because the last time I told you my honest feelings, you told me I wasn't being honest. I hope you just listen for once and believe that I know my feelings and personality more than you do. I can only be bothered to defend myself once and say very firmly that I am not in any way trying to manipulate/ridicule you. What I am doing right now is trying my best not lead you on and so you would hopefully stop misunderstanding me.

My niceness goes out to all my friends who are lovely to me. And it stops when it's towards people who are not. This is the way it works for most people as well -- it is a very readable and predictable way of judging how a person values another person. I do not have an "old self" and a "new self". I have a "nice self" and a "not as nice self", shown accordingly to people depending on whether I like them or not. I do what I can to not give out any wrong information. But I can only do my part and give out what I think the right signals are. It is up to you to react to them, and if you are simply going to mis-read all my signals, then there is nothing I can do.

What should you do? Stop telling me I like you and stop misunderstanding every single little thing I do. And for goodness sake, listen to my explanation.

It's been an exciting few months since summer.

- I moved to another part of the country.

- I made loads of great friends and had an awesome start to the academic year.

- Tods hinted a few times he wanted to get back together. I refused. He is dating someone at the moment as well. What an asshole.

- I lost all interest in relationships. Completely. And I surprised myself by how well I was doing.

- Some physics genius (not being sarcastic here) was interested in me. He insisted that I like him. I admit there was a slight spark initially, but him being so adamant about it was such a turn off that I don't even want to be friends with him anymore. Which is probably fine by him since he stopped talking to me, saying that there is no point in talking to me since I do not respect him. Apparently, I had showed a lack of respect when I told him that if he sees the dinner he invited me to as a dinner between friends, I would be happy to take up the invitation. 

- I've been very happy single for the past 6-7 months. I want it to remain this way.

- Unfortunately, I may have met someone new that I like and who really likes me. My interest in relationships has come back slightly. Though not enough to feel like losing all contact with this guy would be much of a pity.

- Not sure if there is a point anyway. He is not in the same country. Admittedly, he isn't too far away and we could do an LDR and visit each other often enough. He seems like a sweet guy. But hey, all guys are sweet till they fuck around with your heart and brains. So...

- At the moment though, I am enjoying a short break with my brothers and celebrating Christmas with them.

Happy Christmas everyone.

For a moment I thought: my last post was in 25th August, it's no 7th October. Hey, that's not TOO bad. It's only been 2 weeks! Then I realised I forgot about September.

My lack of posts seem to be the main topic of my posts these days, which does not quite make sense.

Let's talk about something else.

I am busy.

Oh wait, that's not new either.

Hrm.

I am wearing 3 layers in my room, and my hands are still freezing possibly due to poor blood circulation to the extremities of my body as I type. I just learnt today that after a female rat has been mated, she ends up with something called the vaginal plug from the male...which is some sort of dried up seminal fluid thing. The plug most likely acts as a barrier to prevent other males from having their sperm successfully fertilise the female. Dogs do this by having their penises (sp?) stuck in the females after ejaculation to reduce the likelihod that other males comes along and fertilises her.

Interesting.

Though when men use evolutionary purposes to defend why they LOVE sex, I just think it is lame.

"You're such a jerk! How could you sleep with her?!? How would you feel if I sleep around?"

"It's part of biology that I want to have sex with so many women. To spread my genes you know. And of course I don't want you to be sleeping around, just like how most other mammals don't want the female to be mated by another male, so it increases the chances of my sperm fertilising your egg, and the increase in numbers of MY offspring."

"I'm pregnant"

"Fuuuucccck. You're kidding right."

Oh wow. I've been busy...which is really weird, considering how this is my last-ever summer holidays.

I've been working at a temp job for a while now...and my time there has almost come to an end -- so have my holidays! :(

Come to think of it, that's not exactly true because technically-speaking, my postgrad course doesn't start till weeks' later. I will however be leaving Singapore soon to attend my graduation, and travelling for a bit subsequently. As you can tell, I have conveniently left my travel trips out as part of my "holidays". I myself didn't even realise I did that until I thought through the actual start date of my course.

But yes, I genuinely do not feel like those trips would be part of my holidays since I'm the one planning and making sure my parents don't get lost. And the trip is just there pretty much for the sake of it, as it would have been quite silly to have my parents fly over for just a couple of days (just to attend my graduation ceremony) and then fly back. And even then, it wouldn't be much of a holiday either if I'm just gonna be left all alone in that miserable place while waiting for my course to start. I guess my definition of holidays involve slacking around yet feeling occupied.

Somehow I feel slightly disappointed to blog. I know it will be full of spam as usual. I feel like my blog is some sort of garden that has been abandoned by people who once loved it, and now all its flowers have been replaced by wild grass and weed, and there's mould growing on rotting wood. Somewhere in there, beneath the untrimmed grass/wild plants, there's probably a tombstone.

Yes, FP shall be the name I give this guy who was after me. We had our very short 4-day relationship sorta thing. And surprise surprise, I did end up having some feelings for him. It started out mild, but continued growing even after he left and chatted over Skype/phone. Which was just pissifying for me. I'm not head over heels for him, and I probably would have been if not for my recent relationship and my wish to be single (because FP is truly a really great guy and the type I would go for, for sure). Even if I'm not head over heels for him, I can tell I do feel something towards him -- these feelings have been growing, and would continue growing if I don't put a stop to this whole thing.

We discussed trying a long-distance relationship. And for a few days, this crazy idea sounded like it is worth a try. I was also intending to fly there to meet him (even if it means 26hrs of flight...bloody remote place he's at). But April pointed out this: what's next? Yes...Nothing would be next. FP and I could feel positive at this thing at the moment because I am still on holiday and there is a chance for me to fly there and spend time with each other. But when the trip comes to an end, what do we have to look forward towards? Nothing. 

Maybe this gloom does not apply as much in our first year -- it could be easy for one year, because I may be less busy in the first year of my course, and something has cropped up in his job this year which may enable him to take more leave to visit me. But years 2,3,4 of my course will most likely be intense and his job will resume to normal + he doesn't know where he'll be either. Most likely another remote place. When that happens, how is our relationship going to survive with us being so far apart for an indefinite amount of time? And even after my course, where am I'm gonna be is unlikely to overlap where he'll be.

So yes, I told FP just a moment ago that we should just call this whole thing off. It wasn't an easy decision to come to, of course...now that feelings have come into play for both of us, and not just from his side. And we both think it could be a great relationship if we were both at the same place. But we're not. And we don't know when we ever will be again.

If only we had the time and the space. He could have become someone very important to me.

There's this guy I've known for quite a long time now. By that, I mean 9 whole years. We were once close for a couple of years, and then stopped talking to each other. Recently we started chatting again. He's based overseas, but had taken leave to come back to Singapore for slightly less than 2 weeks. So we decided to meet up, and after spending a couple of days together, he admitted his feelings for me. (If you had liked my facebook page, you would have heard about him at first instance heh. :P)

Problem is, I have no feelings for him.

I tried. But I just can't feel anything for him. 

I know he really likes me...And he's a really great and decent guy. He didn't make a move on me at all despite multiple chances. Also, it was only when I asked if he was interested in me, did he confess. I could tell he wanted to tell me initially, but after I casually slipped in I wanted to be single, I could tell he'd decided not to say anything. Nonetheless, he continued to offer to drive me to and from work, and hang out with me without really showing any other sign that he was going to confess/make a move. Which I was very impressed with, considering how sex-deprived he is being stuck at a remote location far far away with only men to look at; he could have just said some stuff to try and get into my pants. But he didn't AT ALL. Funny, because Tods would have done that to a girl about 20 times during that same time period. 

Ok, so basically after this guy admitted, we talked about the possibilities and the impossibilities of our situation. After a circuitous route, we ended up deciding we'll just be in the shortest-ever relationship for the remaining 3 days and then end it when he flies back. This probably sounds like a fling, but I definitely wouldn't call it that. Why? I'd define a fling as sort of a passion/sex-driven relationship that is sparked out of mutual desire, with some but not much feelings attached. (Just searched urban dictionary and the most popular definition concurs with mine) But this...This is something that's between a guy who is completely serious about me and wants a long-term relationship with me (just doesn't have the time nor chance to do so) and a girl who is not interested in him at all at the moment (but doesn't have the time nor chance to wait and see if the interest comes before she agrees to anything).

So why are we doing this? I guess from his pov, it's better to have 3 days with me than to have 0. From mine, I wanted to see if I'd become more interested after getting into it and if I do, at least suggesting an LDR wouldn't be all that absurd. BUT, I didn't feel more interested at all. We've basically hugged and kissed. All it felt for me was weird. While to him, it was probably almost everything he could have wanted at that moment. After he kissed me, he told me he really really liked me...And all I could say was, "I know."

But anyway, by now, we have 2 days left before he flies off. And we will never be at the same place unless either of us puts in the effort to coordinate. And coordination is a lot of effort for two people who will have little to do with each other after this ends.

I'm really not missing Tods much yay. Ok, now that I've mentioned him... :(

I'm kidding. But I shall refrain from talking about him unless something crops up. Otherwise, it's best to not talk about him so I can forget about him asap.

Having April and Banana is great. There's company and friendship to get me through.

---

Anyway, yesterday I did a VERY stupid thing. I was chatting a little to the ex-BF and when he asked abut Tods, I told him briefly what he did, then one thing led to another and I ended up basically telling him I still can't forget him (ex-BF). It's stupid because of 2 reasons:

1. He has a gf.
2. I just got out of a relationship.

WHAT SORT OF TIME IS THIS TO TELL HIM THAT?!

I don't intend for anything to happen between us AT ALL. Yea lah, I've thought about what ifs a lot for the past 2 years. Every blog entry in which I've mentioned him since our breakup was an indication I missed him, still felt for him, or had dreamt about him. I feel so ashamed of myself because I don't want him to misunderstand that I was just saying that because I am single and lonely. That would be such a big misunderstanding, because while these were feelings and thoughts that had been there for ages, they really don't mean anything. They don't mean I still love him (I loved Tods with all my heart even though those feelings were there!) What they mean is that if one day both of us are single, I'll ask him if he's willing to give me/us another chance (unless he's a completely changed person of course). It'll be a very head-guided, not heart-guided event. The heart will only come into play when we build our relationship again. BUT NOT WHEN I JUST BECAME SINGLE, NOT WHEN HE'S GOT A GF!!

Fuck. So I screwed up really bad. Even if hypothetically (very hypothetically, don't get me wrong...can't afford you guys to misunderstand when I think he himself already has), he becomes single and gives me another chance, I'LL REJECT IT FOR THE SAKE OF IT COS I WANNA SAY NO NO NO, THAT WASN'T WHAT I WAS INTENDING TO DO!! GAAHHH. What I wanted to do is wait for a proper time to tell him that!!!! Ugh.

Oh, but he still dislikes me and after what I said, he probably hates me. So I guess that's ok. Phew?

Ah, nevermind. What's done is done.

I've got a facebook page. I'd probably use it to update little stuff that I can't be bothered to make a blog entry on. Here.

I'm not too happy with the profile pic, cos that was taken at Tods' place. And I love those sheets of his :( Looking at it just makes me miss everything. Ugh, stupid Tods. Get out of my head!!

My friends keep saying I'm too nice, asking why am I not angry with him. Yes!! WHY ON EARTH DOES MY ANGER NEVER LAST?! So from now onwards, I shall be angry. Why give him the benefit of doubt, the courtesy, the niceness. It's not like he appreciates it, it's not like it'll change anything. If anything, it'll make ME feel vulnerable and be at the losing end. So even though, seriously-speaking, I'm not angry with him, I shall make myself be. It's better than being sad and prideless.

Oh, I didn't mention over here earlier, and I'm still sore about it. But can you imagine it took him just a couple of days to get over me? Just 4 days after I returned to Singapore, he was still at a girl's place at something like 3.30am. I don't know if he ever left -- I deleted him off my Google Latitude after that. I don't think he didn't sleep with her (only because she's not hot enough and I think she's quite a decent girl), but I don't believe his intentions were pure. He has been spending so much time on this new friend, considering how he had a deadline to meet. So he was losing sleep (he told me himself because I stupidly talked to him), YET he could visit the zoo with her (saw on his calendar he shared with me) and the like. The zoo was OUR thing as well. WTF. I hope the tiger bit his dick off. That probably didn't happen. But well, so let's hope the next girl he sleeps with is crazy and castrates him. He is probably using that new friend of his to get over me, but I hate that he's doing so well now without me. Or better than I'd like him to. I'M the one who's missing him, wanting him, longing for him. Fucker.

He is such a whore, he flirts with anything that is vaguely female. He would sleep with any slut wandering on the streets. He's full of lies and there is no sense of repentence. Only a hint of guilt because I've been so tolerant towards him. If I weren't so perfect (you're allowed to snigger), he wouldn't even feel guilty. He'd just blame his actions on me. Oh, this actually sounds like all men. All you fucking men ugh.

(next bit is not really about Tods, but more of dealing with life)

I don't like to make myself sound like I deserve pity, but I hate it when no-one realises that I'd give them my life to live if they want. Seriously, so what if there are people "poorer" or less "well off" than me. People throw that fact around, if a supposedly well-to-do person like me says I'm not happy. I reserve such lines only for my blog, but I know this happens because I see/hear such things being said to those who show desperation, and I wonder how come other uninvolved people can be so cruel. But why am I so restricted to say it out loud? Am I expected to be happy? Am I expected to use the money my dad gives me to reduce his guilt, to buy happiness from bird's nest or something? Won't these pretentious people ALSO say that money doesn't make a person happy? Then the next thing they do is make me/others feel bad for not treasuring my/their life simply because I'm/they're not starving on the streets. Whether someone has shelter and food does not determine the treatment they receive from others. They can be considered as separate issues, and it's the latter that makes one happy. Why don't these fucking idiots give others a hug, show others some love and genuine concern, rather than spouting some heartless rubbish which is so easy to do? Lazy fucks. I am capable of showing love, concern and sympathy even when I hate my life. And then you have all these fuckers who act like they know it all but are incapable of being compassionate.

Ok, the above is less personal, because I do have people around me who care for me...even if in a limited way (I know still they'll just think I'm stupid if I say I hate my life, but you see, I'm smart in my own stupid way: I don't tell them such stuff, they don't throw me snide remarks). But there are like people who have to live with fuckers around them.

ANYWAY. I guess I'll have to live with that pic until I find another of me that does not have my face. I am so lame, I know. Now go like my page.