Saturday, July 04, 2015
It's been 1.5 years since I last blogged! Looks like no one comes here anymore.
Life's been okay I guess. A few more months till I have to submit my thesis. Hence the procrastination here :P
Maybe I no longer blog because I no longer feel like my past is relevant to me. This blog holds most of me in my teenage years. But none of that really means much to me now, now that I am well into adulthood. Obviously those shitty years shaped who I am etc, and I am still bitter as hell of a person, but I don't really have too many insecurities. I have a few new ones, but they are supported by stats, rather than just my opinion of myself. I feel particularly unhappy about my race and gender, knowing that the chance of me being awarded an opportunity is statistically lower than a white male, and a white female for that matter.
Of course, I could move back to Singapore where I have never felt bitter about my race. But it's just a different set of issues I have to deal with back there. It's such a shame, because I love the food there.
Oh btw, I'm at the age where everyone around me is getting married. Well, not everyone around me per se, as everyone around me actually is doing a degree...but more like, people from my school/class in Singapore. Weird.
I think I have more or less come to the conclusion that I will not get married. I am still with the last person I was with. Not sure what acronym/nickname I gave him.
Things are okay. But I do not feel inclined to get married. I am not entirely sure what the legal benefits are for getting married. Obviously there is the social/cultural benefit, or rather, acceptance. But I don't really have anyone to account to over here. So technically-speaking, no-one actually gives a shit whether I am married before I decide to: move in with someone, have kids with someone, buy a house with someone etc. Well, to a certain extent at least. There are obviously always people who give a shit about what other people do, which is why there are homophobes against gay marriage. But I just meant in the sense of not having that cultural pressure on me. I think there might be benefits to being legally married when you have kids, and potentially financial/tax benefits. So far neither of these apply to me.
I guess for some couples, they want a wedding and therefore that might be a reason to get married. I am not very keen for that. Because it just seems a little weird to throw a bunch of money...basically at prettiness. Almost every aspect of the wedding has a pretty aspect to it, which is what makes it expensive. Like rings, wedding favours, seat covers, drapes and decorations and shit, flowers, wedding dress/tux. Without the pretty aspect, it's just a cheap but bizarre event. Just imagine a big dilapidated hall with some knocked up tables and chairs. Guests are all seated there, with your groom at the end of the room wearing his everyday-wear. And then you open the creaky door. The room is huge so you have a long distance to walk. Awkwardly, you walk, all the way across the room to meet your groom, while people clap at your underwhelming appearance.
But of course, throw money to make this event pretty, and all of a sudden it sounds less bizarre that you are suddenly become a model for a day. But personally I would think that if you wanna throw money at prettiness, at least make it to be at something more permanent? Not just for a one-day affair? Go for a plastic surgery or something. Get rid of that nose you have always disliked. You will now look pretty in all your photos, and not just in that set of photos you took on one day.
Posted at 10:04 pm by Red Marbles
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Where the fuck are you from
I'm so sick of race. I used to be a person. But now I am a Chinese. A Singaporean (not that anyone knows what that means besides a Chinese being born in a different country). They're the same thing to most, except to those who know better i.e. Singaporeans/Malaysias/Southeast Asian-ers. I am so sick of explaining myself in terms of my race. Again and again and again and again.
People just simply can't comprehend how fucking annoying the where-are-you-from question is. And then they get all snarky that some races stick together in groups and don't mix around much. They don't get how sometimes, it's just nice to have people of your own nationality/race understand you for you [e.g. because you do this as your job, you have certain friends and family, you like this , you hate that], and not because you're Chinese/Asian and therefore presumably speak Mandarin well, do Maths, can't drink alcohol, eat every meal with chopsticks.
"Where are you from?" [top 5 FAQs]
"Oh, is that in/near China?"
"Singapore is not in China."
"Oh, yea, of course. [but it's probably near China, I mean you are obviously Chinese based on how you look.]"
"I mean, it's not near at all. It's closer to say, Thailand than it is to China."
"Oh, wow, I didn't know that. [that's just weird. Because you're Chinese.]"
"Yea, loads of people seem surprised because they can't get their heads around someone who looks Chinese but isn't typically Chinese. I am Chinese racially, but then Singapore is quite different. We have multiple races in Singapore. We have Malays and Indians too."
"Oh! [*mindblown* BUT YOU'RE CHINESE]"
This conversation can start out via a different way:
"What's your name?" [top 5 FAQs, but understandably]
"Oh, is that a Chinese name?" [top 5 FAQs]
"No. It's a y-type name"
"Oh...[but you're Chinese...what are you doing with a y-type name...] Where are you from?"
And for the 1000th time in my life, the rest of that same, predictable, conversation happens.
I mean, I don't hate my race, of course. I just hate that that's all people identify me as. And then after mind-blowing them and hoping that they would stop lumping me with everyone who looks Chinese, and potentially get some idea of what Singapore is like, they start talking/asking me about Hong Kong.
Seriously, for fuck's sake.
Posted at 04:29 pm by Red Marbles
Friday, October 25, 2013
I started out my entry with "I hate stats" but then I decided I don't really want to complain about my work because I think I've done that enough irl. It's people's fault. I don't care if they don't ask me how my work is going but they always do.
See I think I'd be blogging more often if I'm not on blogdrive because it's so shit. But every time I attempt to create a new blog, on a different host, it looks different and I don't associate good times with it so I never stick with it. I don't know if I had good times on this blog (I'm kidding, of course I've had, all you 1-3 people still reading me after...I dunno, 8 years or something).
It's 11am but I've been awake for long enough that I feel like 1. eating lunch 2. going to sleep. I wish it were 7pm. Because then the bf would be here and we're going for a meal together (and he's meeting some of my other friends).
I wonder if I start drinking now I'll be less annoyed at work and get some done.
I hate stats.
Posted at 10:47 am by Red Marbles
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
I'm always tempted to close my blog since it's all history and nothing really matters now. But then I see one or two comments in my last post and then I'd be all okay I'll hang around a little longer.
Still seeing the guy from my last blog post. Well, we broke up once because he realised he didn't want a relationship yada yada and then we got back together and it's sort of all okay now. I think we may be stuck together for a while at least.
I am also ill at the moment. So I cooked myself some fish porridge. The salmon was massively undercooked. If I die, I wouldn't even know whether it's my flu or the salmon that caused my death. Well, I probably would...since it would be a slow, painful death that will allow me to have enough time to mull over every bad decision I've made in this lifetime. Including undercooking salmon.
Posted at 07:52 pm by Red Marbles
Friday, April 12, 2013
Seeing the comment on the tagboard by someone called sandwich guy made me decide that: fine, I should update.
Sorry it's been like...half a year. Fuck, where did 2013 go O_O
Those months just flew past.
Alright, what's new:
Peeg and I broke up, about 4 months ago.
OH!!! I have a really big piece of news. Haha. This one is the bomb: TODS IS MARRIED. I found out about his engagement when he chatted to me on my birthday (which was coincidentally when I last posted), saying it's going to be a spring wedding. So yesterday I stalked his then-fiancee and now-wife, and found out they got married a few days ago. And well, it doesn't matter if she's not academically-inclined or anything does it. I don't see myself doing any better because I am. At least if she's a happy person, that's more attractive than intelligence. And if she stays as hot and pretty as she is, she is good to go. So yes I know, I'm good in my own ways (just saying this because people always say it's a self confidence thing -- no it isn't, it's an objective pov!), just not the dating material way.
They started dating about a year and half ago, and I probably have mentioned her here. It was meant to be a rebound but I guess he's decided to go ahead with the wedding after all (he was being quite a bastard about it. Saying things like "I wondered if I was doing a Ted Mosby" and referring to her as "that Thai girl" when telling me about his engagement). Was pretty traumatised when I first found out about the engagement in any case. And learning that they went ahead with the wedding didn't make last night particularly pleasant either. I don't want him back or anything like that. It's just thinking about this reminds me of the damage he's done to me, and become more painfully aware of how it's hard for someone to love me. (Yes, I recognise that the reason for our break-up was his cheating and not my personality...But well...Ah whatever.)
I'm also seeing someone new anyway. Nothing official yet, if it even ever becomes official. I don't really care anymore. If he wants me, he wants me. If he doesn't, he doesn't. This attitude is really quite useful. When Peeg decided a break-up, I was basically sad for like half a day or something.
Work is okay. Friends-wise is good. Social events are the only things that seem to keep me going. Makes me motivated to do work and feel able to care less about relationships and how I probably will die lonely that kinda shit. Although, having said that, I was laying in bed last night thinking about how I cannot carry on like this for the rest of my life. Right now my friends are not married and stuff, which is why they're available and we can hang out together and my days just pass rather easily. But by the time I'm 35, probably 80% of people in my age group would be married and have families etc. They would not have time for me, and I'll be bothered by the fact I'm all alone. So I contemplated adopting a child when it comes to that point, but then I don't want to be one of those mothers who become overly possessive of their kids because they fear their kids leaving them all alone. :/
Posted at 01:38 pm by Red Marbles
Thursday, November 08, 2012
A couple of days after I posted that entry, I rejected Wallet Guy. He told me he had a surprise for me and asked to meet up the day after. I told him I have a boyfriend. He replied with a "Okay, thanks for being honest with me."
Haven't heard from him since then. *shrug*
I wonder if I'll ever find someone who could stir me again. Oh damn, I forgot I'm with Peeg. I tend to forget that. We're doing okay, really. But yes, I do wonder if I'll ever find someone. I sort of have mini crushes but nothing serious. No-one who makes me feel like I should give it a go. No-one who makes me feel like I will be loved for whoever I am. Well, that I know I won't. Maybe because I feel like I can't love someone for the way he is. Not anymore, at least. If they have a trait I don't really like (and everyone has traits I don't really like), then I automatically feel like I can never be with them for life.
Friend just got engaged. Xiaxue is pregnant...
At least I'm still young. I'm saying that not because I feel like I have more time to find someone, but more that I don't feel the pressure or disappointment as much since I'm young.
I also wonder if I'll ever feel happy. Things that make people feel happy make me sad, if not stressed. Things like feeling the heat of the sun on your face on a cool day. I can get emotional over that. I don't find that weird, but I can understand how telling that to someone will make them label me as a weirdo or a dampener. I guess this is also why I don't think someone would ever want to be with me for who I am.
Work's going okay. Keeps life going. It's such a waste of life if you don't enjoy it, isn't it? Such a waste if it's "okay". But well, people like that I hang around in the background...So I shall. It would be too obstructive if I made any changes to their lives if I voluntarily disappear. I will still die one day. And the day I die out of old age or some horrible illness will be a tragedy to myself. Because I would feel like I have not felt what I should have felt in life.
It's Saturday. It's also almost 4pm. I was meant to start working about 3 hours ago. I guess I'll get started soon. There's a birthday celebrations thing going on at the moment but I'll join in later on in the evening for a drink. Mini-crush may be there. I also don't feel like spending money on drinks, so I may just end up drinking water.
I wiped my laptop screen. It is actually almost dust-free. The keyboard is gross though. Maybe I should try and get the mini hoover to clean it...I am meant to be doing some work, though....Hm.
This entry was probably quite dull. Sorry.
I typed this entry a few weeks ago but never published it then becauase Blogdrive was being stupid.
Anyway. It's my birthday today. And it's the first I genuinely didn't really care about. Maybe it's all part of growing old. Dunno. I did celebrate it...Only just. And it was just frustrating for me because it was effort on my part to arrange while most of the people I "celebrate" it with couldn't care less about it otherwise. I did have one coursemate whom I'm quite close with who did care enough though. He cancelled his training (partly also because I was feeling down (see below)) and then treated me to dinner.
I am feeling crappy as I fell ill at 6 in the morning. I was up all night skyping with Peeg. Things between us weren't going well. And at 6, I started to feel my throat was a little dry and itchy...and it kept getting worse for the next half hour. I went to bed at about 6.30am and when I woke up, it was a sorethroat. And as the day progressed, it kept getting worse -_-
It's getting worse even as I type this.
Posted at 09:26 pm by Red Marbles
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Last Monday, I found a wallet a week ago near my house. Happened to belong to a student in the same university so I managed to contact him rather easily over email. Phew. It'd be a massive hassle to bring it to the police station or something. I met up with him later in the evening to pass it to him.
On Saturday, he decided to invite me to dinner/drinks at a pub (together with his friend) to thank me. Took up the offer and it was pretty nice. His friend was rather cute but he did ask if I could read minds because I mentioned I do Neuroscience (we're not even talking about Psychology here!)
And then yesterday he decided to invite me for tea...Which was all fine, except that when I took up the invitation, he said he would come pick me up from my place.
Now that's new.
(Ok, somehow I just thought about how in a Singaporean context this may sound like some guy driving his porsche to pick me up...no no, it's not anything fancy like that. It's all done by foot or bike here :P Or at least the people in my social circle do...Speaking of which, what do Singaporean guys do when they ask a girl out on a date and offer to pick her up from her house? (Just to clarify, Wallet Guy wasn't asking me out on a date...I think, at least.) I'm guessing they feel like they'll lose too much face if they take the bus/MRT to pick them up if they have started working but don't own a car? (Ah...this is why school love is so much less pretentious.) I guess maybe what they do is not even pick the girl up then.)
See, I hang out with guys all the time...and just as friends, too, mind you. And they don't make a move on me or anything, probably because I'm not eligible from their point of view, and probably also because I don't flirt or send out any vibes to say I'm interested. And they definitely won't offer to pick me up from my house but we'd just arrange a meeting place. So this was new. And a little worrying. But hey, maybe he's just a gentleman. Plus we live awfully close to each other (which was why he dropped his wallet near my house) and so it's not like he was going out of his way to meet me right outside my house. It was a 2 minute walk :P So yea, there was no need to get too worried.
We were meant to go into a cafe* but he couldn't really remember which one he went to the last time and we ended up going into a tapas restaraunt instead, which was fine since we both hadn't eaten even though it was 8.30pm. For me it was because I, well, haven't put in too much effort to eat regularly besides generally ensuring I've eaten at least once. For him it was because he apparently doesn't eat dinners often. Not surprising, because he goes to the gym like 5 times a week or something. He's super buff. On top of that, he's really tall...185 to 190 probably. Tall and buff german guy. Which is all fine (pretty darn good actually), except for the receding hairline :P
*I understand once again how this would almost obviously be seen as a guy being interested if this happened in Singapore. Singaporean guys just don't ever seem to hang out with girls individually. I'm not saying it's just oh-so-common here, but it's just an invitation to hang out one-to-one doesn't ALWAYS mean something is going on but could just be a friendly gesture**.
The tapas we had was good. Probably my first or second time having tapas, I think. But he eats really slowly...and takes frequent pauses to eat and so the food was ice cold after like...1.5 hours of being there. Maybe he just wanted me to eat more so that he could keep his body shape? Haha, I don't know. I just couldn't really devour it while he was taking his time, you know. And then he paid for the meal again. I offered, but he refused...In fact, I offered about 3 times but tried not to come across as pushy or rude. It's all fine...I did try. Guys do see the need to be a gentleman to pay sometimes (not all, obviously...) First time Wallet Guy treated me was out of courtesy for me saving his wallet, second time out of niceness. If it happened for the third time, I'd be worried. What does one do? Are there any guys who continuously pay for a girl's portion without expecting anything? I wonder... And despite everything so far being reasonably explained by him being a gentleman and/or just trying to be friendly to someone he feels is a nice person for not running away with his wallet, I also couldn't help but wonder that maybe he did like me.
I thought about it. And realised it doesn't matter because I wouldn't be that interested. For reasons like me having a boyfriend, but mainly, me not being interested in relationships even if I didn't already have a boyfriend. Speaking of the latter, I sometimes feel detached to Peeg. I dunno if it's because I have a new (but maybe still perfectly normal) attitude towards relationships, or maybe I have just lost the whole sense of it. I just don't get the buzz anymore, you know. I can't imagine getting the buzz anymore either...from a person I know barely anything about. And this is something that most people won't understand. What most people experience and what I used to experience, is that they get all excited about the new person, want to find out everything about that person, want to spend every single day with that person (all initially, of course). This is just something I cannot grasp with anymore. I cannot imagine being excited, curious, hopeful about a person I barely know, even though it is THAT mysterious quality which makes them extra enticing to those have envisaged their new crush as a messiah to all their emotional woes. It does not make sense logically to me and my emotions go with that logic. Currently, I do not see myself leaving Peeg for another person. It may not necessarily be because I love him to that extent, although feelings and responsibility towards him would obviously play a role. But that aside, it is also likely to be because I don't see how someone, whose true self -- and not just a social self which is the one you show around friends -- I won't ever get to see UNTIL I get into a relationship with him, will be a better choice than someone (i.e. Peeg) whose true self I've already had a glimpse of and find decent. The only way that could happen is if I throw a huge load of hope that the grass is greener on the other side into the equation.
Anyway. After having thought about all that...Just today, he texted me wishing I had a good day and then in the next line, the bomb dropped: I could not stop thinking about you the whole day. Hopefully I can see you soon.
Oh, dear, me.
I am currently still ignoring that text. I can't just go, "Thank you, that's very nice. I have a boyfriend." Or, can I? Thing is, I don't want to make this awkward such that we can never be friends again. And saying that would definitely make it bad, and he'd probably stay out of asking me out as a friend ever again. Maybe ignoring it will mean that he will get the idea, but still ask me out the next time, keeping in mind that I'm not interested and it'll just be a meet-up as friends.
No idea. What am I meant to do? I guess this one is the quickest and most direct thus far. No mind games or anything. Definitely not on my side. For any cases I've had previously (whether they ended up as my bf, or lately, someone I had to tell I wasn't interested in being more than friends), I'd have had some participation and would have probably flirted a little at least. But this one all I did was to be a good citizen (and get rewarded for it), be friendly but not flirty. Maybe it's because this is my week of ovulation and I am being particularly attractive to the males without even doing much.
I wish I could tell people, "I'm honestly not going to be the one for you. We WILL break up eventually even if we got together. I am outwardly and socially normal and I do feel average in general. But I have mental and emotional issues which creep up every now and then. I am unable to find joy in my life and so I don't have things that I can do which make me necessarily happy (it may be sports, travelling, having sex, just living in general, for you), nor do I have the ability to be in a relationship and feel safe...So you'd probably be unhappy with me. Food is probably the only thing that can colour my life and get me excited. One day, you will feel like being single, being without me, being with another girl. So what's the point of going through all that hassle for such a painful ending?"
If they still find me absolutely facinating and willing to be with me, then maybe I'd give a try (or just think they're crazy, they don't listen, and don't understand wtf I just told them...hmm...this is likely to be what I'd do, seeing what happened to Delusional Guy. He was absolutely delusional, though...Since he was saying things that really was not the case). But since it's socially unconventional to say such things, and I do not want to seem like I'm overreacting by having a speech in response to their interest, I guess I'll just go with ignoring Wallet Guy's text. Suggestions to do otherwise are welcome.
**I guess that point does not hold true for this case :P But I've definitely had male friends cook for me and go out for tea/lunch with me without anything ever happening beyond friendship :) The only time this has happened in Singapore was with my gay friend. Hah. Other male friends, even though I've known them since JC days (so 5-6 years now), they would still never ever ask to meet up with me one-on-one. It'd be a "Let's meet up. I'll get so and so to join. ... Oh, they're not free. Oh well, let's meet up some other time then (because if I meet up one-on-one with you you may think I am interested in you and no way in hell would I want to give you that idea)."
Posted at 08:14 pm by Red Marbles
Friday, September 07, 2012
I was just thinking about how I have no-one to talk to, because well...I don't really want to deal with the consequences of human interaction, even though it would probably be healthy for me if someone just dragged me out of the room and pampered me like they care :)
Thankfully I thought of the blog. It's been an awful week or so. I've been back for 3 weeks now and I still haven't found my motivation to eat. This is the second time it has happened but the last time it happened, Peeg arrived rather shortly after and my appetite came back and I was living like a normal person. I do eat every day, but not much. I eat only because I don't like feeling hungry and eventually give in and do something about it. But otherwise, I really cannot be bothered and wish I didn't have to deal with it. And it's just this vicious cycle because I don't have the energy to get work done...so my write-up is not really happening. I'm reading journals at a pace slower than a snail. And that makes me feel even crappier and not feel like eating even more. Usually when I get stressed or depressed, I eat even more. So this is new. I'm not really stressed, so maybe I'm just depressed. I guess I never thought I could ever lose my appetite. I do love food.
And anyway, Peeg and I aren't working out too well. Ah, what can I say. He's in the midst of deciding whether he loves me or not. After a series of long-term relationships, it seems like now all my relationships last just a few months. I guess he and I are currently at about err...close to 6 months, which is pretty long for some, maybe. But I don't know, my relationships just seem a little too fleeting for my liking these days, a couple of which are beyond my control. And I'm not even as psycho as I used to be. It seems simply like a case of people losing interest in me or something. I know that even if Peeg decides to stay with me, we'd be constantly at the brink of a breakup. I'm just doomed to be lonely forever.
Maybe I do need a pet, like a cat. Unfortunately I can't keep one in where I live. It'd probably be the only living thing that won't leave me after a few months. Well, I'm lying -- I suppose this basil plant isn't going anywhere soon, either.
I also thought about how I guess at least right now I don't feel like killing myself. And then I thought about how people saying killing yourself doesn't solve anything. It was something I came across often when I was younger at least. 7...wait, no, 8, wait, no, 9 fuck...Has it been 9 years? Anyway, 9 years later, this still doesn't make sense to me. If the problem lies with me, how can killing me not solve the problem? I think it is the lamest thing one could ever say to me if I want to kill myself. Obviously, if I have an issue with like...global warming or something, killing myself wouldn't solve it. I thought I'd get more enlightened by this "advice" when I became older, but now I just realise its stupidity even more.
Even killing myself would require too much effort. And let's just say I wouldn't put my family through that pain. Peeg told me about how he knew of a friend who fell into depression after her boyfriend dumped her, and didn't finish school, and had to live with her alcoholic dad and abusive mother, and didn't succeed killing herself a couple of times. And I just thought, "Poor her. If only she succeeded." Honestly, she is better off dead considering how her life can never be un-screwed (well, it may, but she's probably too screwed up by now to make it right), and no-one would really miss her even if she was gone since her family sucks and friends just aren't attached enough to her to have their lives destroyed by her death.
Posted at 05:23 pm by Red Marbles
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
NEITHER HERE NOR THERE Teaser from Ema Ryan Yamazaki on Vimeo.
This is how I feel. Some days it gets to me, but thankfully, most of the times it is something I recognise and just feel a little confused about.
I've not been away for that long. It's "only" been 4 years. But by the end of my course, I would have had spent 7 years here. Potentially longer, depending on where I choose to work. The reason why it has not bothered me much so far is because I do not feel very alone in this. It is difficult to feel that alone in this respect when you are in a university as diverse as the one I have been in and am in. People are so different, that I do not feel like an outcast for being different. People are not racist or xenophobic towards me. To side-track a little, I am grateful for that and thankful that I am not a foreigner in Singapore, being personally attacked and blamed for things, and deprived of well wishes in the event I am awarded something even though it is based on merit. I am under a scholarship that is given to people they find are capable, regardless of my nationality. And the people around me do not say things like how I stole their scholarship. And I believe they wouldn't say I am stealing their job even if I continue to stay here. I may be wrong, but this is the impression I get. I am pretty much welcomed, which is why I do not feel horrible about any identity crisis I face. It just can get a little lonely sometimes, just not enough to bother me, thankfully. Hah. I know, I did say in my first few lines that I do not feel alone in this. It is paradoxical in that sense...I do not feel alone in this because many people around me are experiencing this, but I do still feel lonely because my background and experiences from the past and present are different from theirs. I am pretty much a bastard child of two countries and a smorgasbord of experiences, different from other bastard children of different countries and experiences :P
People around me come from all around the world. Even though they are commonly from regions just close by, the culture they were born in or grew up partially in is different and they still have to adapt even if they get to go home often because the countries are geographically closer. The ones who come from further abroad find it a little more challenging because they do not get to go home as often, and have to, in a way, lose part of whatever identity they have formed for themselves previously. The attitude towards change matters, too. I know of a number of friends who do not seem to struggle in keeping their...well, Singaporean identity, and I think this may be because subconsciously they know it is best they do not. They know they have to go back to Singapore eventually to serve their bond and hence see being overseas as being a journey that will come to an end. That is not to say they do not get a reverse culture shock when they do go back. They probably will still be a little shocked, because they still would have adapted somewhat in order to be happy in where they are overseas. But it's just that they probably would have held on to their Singaporean identity a little tighter, even if subconsciously. I have not consciously tried to lose mine, but I think I may have done so much quicker because I was not watching it. I have no deadline to how long I want to be here for. And I only have my mum to return to back in Singapore. My brothers are both not there. My mum is very important to me, and so even though I say I "only" have her to return to, it's not something I see as not worth it. It is something I feel conflicted about because the opportunities that I have aren't that great and I don't have a full family right there which would have otherwise been a very compelling reason for returning. I am afraid of what will happen to me if I go back for my mum....Of course I will feel a lot more at ease that my mum is being taken care of. But I wouldn't know how to be in a country that probably cannot accept me for who I am. I will have to fit in...
In a way, it's nice here. Because no one cares about me. I can be who I want, and do what I want. And I guess because I am not even a citizen nor have family here, I do not feel like what I choose to do is important to anyone but me. Or maybe even the citizens here feel that way...I don't know. I just feel that I have no expectations from anyone but myself. In Singapore, I am aware of how much I must conform or behave or think in a certain way. My personality must be within that range of personalities...The downside, of course, is that because I am not a citizen here, I never feel like I truly belong here. I don't think I ever will anyway. Because I will never forget completely what it is like to be who I am as a Singaporean in Singapore. Another downside is, I can never feel as cared about or that policies here apply to me. They don't seem to apply that much, besides making immigration more difficult. :P They may do so one day...Maybe I just don't feel that now because I'm still a student. But of course in general the attention wouold be on their citizens and not me. For example, the scholarship I obtain does ignore nationality. But most of the scholarships here are actually not available to me due to nationality. The one I got is pretty much the only one I was eligible for because they extended it to be available beyond their own citizens.
4 years here is not sufficient for me to feel secure and like I belong here, because I know I am not and I do not. I do not think it will happen even after 7 years. However, I am also no longer secure and I do not really belong to Singapore either. Moreover, there is a high enough potential that somewhere down the line, I will move again to a different country altogether, and that'll add to the identity crisis even further. Which is why I think this video will help explain a little of how it is like. The video sounds a little more depressing than how I feel about it, though I would empathise that it could have been more difficult for those who had moved around since young. A girl in the video mentions it is hard to know which part of who she is relates to a cultural influence or a family experience. I am generally okay with it on most days. But it can get difficult. Admittedly, I can recall nights when this had bothered me a lot. It gets hard to define myself, or know what has contributed to a certain aspect of who I am. I would still choose this path if given the choice again, but sometimes I wish I did belong somewhere, and that I wasn't constantly saying goodbye to people who matter to me after a few days of being with them. I no longer take planes to go to places for holidays. It's just to see people I care about, who are strangely littered all over the world...
Posted at 09:49 pm by Red Marbles
Sunday, August 19, 2012
No idea what's the point of doing this. I really don't care about it enough to be away from Peeg.
Peeg is such a weird name. I don't call him that that often. I often call him baby. Heh. I have no idea how it started. I think we were trying to name our basil plant. And he pronounces it as bay-sil while I say beh-sil. And so...Babeh (pronounced bay-beh) is the name of our plant :P And then it proceeded to him saying that I am his baby, then a pause, and then him asking how disgusted I am. I cringed a little, but said, "Not very."
And now it's just not even cringe-worthy the slightest bit when we call each other that. Though I can understand how it may be traumatising to others...Hence I refrained from referring to him that on this blog. Though, then again, it's my blog and calling him that is not breaking a law...So...
But anyway, I'll be professional and still refer to him as Peeg.
Well. I'm bored. At least my hunger is sorted for this morning and so I will not have to deal with the mundane necessities of life until my bladder or my stomach decides to bother me. *twiddles thumbs*
There's a research proposal to write. It was meant to be written a week ago. I guess that's not a very good start. Ah...At least I woke up early and it's still relatively early now. I still have 10 hours to get it done. Let's just hope I do. God I hope I won't get hungry again. I can feel it coming. What am I going to eat?! I hate living alone. I want to be with Peeg.
I also have 5 pillows now. Used to have 3, which was enough for Peeg and me. Usually he'd take two, to make himself feel better about sleeping on the floor haha. Well, it's an air mattress. Then I had to buy another 2 because he came down with some horrible disease that required hospitalisation and when he came home he couldn't sleep well unless his head is propped high enough. So he exchanged places with me and slept on the bed and with like 4 pillows or something. The air mattress isn't that bad, to be honest. I didn't find it that big a deal but he always felt bad for me. But anyway, now that he's gone, I have 5 pillows on my bed. It's sort of comfy...But a bit over the top. I do like pillows, though. But I'd rather Peeg was here. :/ He left me his shirt, which I call comfy shirt, because it's so soft. I have started to use it in replacement of my blanket (which is now classified as terminally ill and unable to function without disintegrating further boohoohoo).
There are still a few strands of his hair on my bed. It's depressing. I used to exclaim at the number of hairs I found on my things: bed, floor in general, sink counter, food -_-, my water mug -_-!
Now it's just sad to see them. And I wished he was here to keep leaving those strands of hair behind. Maybe not in my food, but even if he did, I don't really mind. Ah...Okay, I should stop now. Talking about this is making me well up. And I'm snotty enough as it is with my flu. I should just get back to this f-ing proposal. I wish words would come out for that stupid piece of work as quickly as they can come out when I'm chronicling random stuff.
Posted at 08:04 pm by Red Marbles